symphony without a sound

Sometimes you feel like a symphony without a sound.
It feels like you're just there, not making any noise- not making any impact.

Not being a blessing.

Whats a symphony without a sound? It's useless. The whole purpose of a symphony is gone. It is just like salt without its saltiness

"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."

It is good for nothing except to be thrown out and trampled by men... thats what I am- at least the way I've been acting. I'm good for nothing except to be thrown out and be trampled. I just burden everyone else with my struggles.

I dont want to go out to prayer meetings, I dont want to go out to small group, I dont want to go out to friday night fellowship. I lost my saltiness. I lost the passion I've once had. I've lost the love I've once known. I only care for myself and my own growth, instead of being a blessing to others and growing together.

I dont have a conclusion to this. I'm still praying and thinking a lot.
Rekindle that fire and passion I've once had. Break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I'm sick...very sick

I'm on day 2 of my physical sickness. During the past 2 days, through the physical sickness, I've been reminded of how weak I am. I'm weak physically, spiritually, mentally, in every way. It has been a good reminder for me to not lean on myself but on God.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I'm weak, then I am strong." - 2nd Corinthians 12:10

The thing is though, I haven't been sick just for 2 days. I've been sick my whole life. I carry pride like a disease, I fall down because I have no strength, I'm blind, I'm deaf, and my heart is not in the right place.

More than any medicine, vitamins, sleep, or even water, God is my healer. Not only from my physical sickness right now, but in everything. I've been listening to the song "Healer" by Michael Guglielmucci of Hillsongs. It goes like this.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through the fire
and heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands



I want to be cleansed. I want to be clean. I dont want to carry this disease any longer. More than my physical weakness, I want to be healed from my spiritual sickness.


but it'd be great if I can get over this physical sickness too. Especially before Leader Peter's wedding :) hahaha. So it'd be awesomee if you guys can pray for mee!

Conduct yourself in a manner worthy of the Gospel

While i was sharing with a sister about my missions trip, she encouraged me to continue to journal as i have been doing in China. i've decided that this is going to be my means of journal-ing, or my attempt at it. im not much of a writer, but i began to see how important it is to write down my thoughts.

its only been a month since i've come back from China and it already feels like a distant memory. i forget easily of the things i've learned and things God showed me. Especially after school started and i'm caught up in school, studying, catching up with people, church, whatevers, i haven't been keeping up to any of my commitments. its SO hard. I've been sharing a lot about my China trip but the more I share, it feels like dead words because I've repeated it too many times. My prayer is that God may rekindle the first love I've had, or the love I've had while I was in China.

One thing cool though was that when my China team came up, it was a physical reminder for me to see that God is still the same God here, as He was in China. He is still doing His amazing works and everything, it's just that i'm blind to it due to my own selfish ambitions.

I've been continuing to pray about accountability back at Berkeley ever since the last week of China. I seek for accountability from true brothers/sisters for me to share with them and for them to encourage me, help me, and rebuke me when i'm in sin. While i'm continuing to seek more and more of accountability, i do have few true brothers and sisters.
One brother encouraged me this week by sharing the verse He's been focusing on.
"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel."
-Philippians 1:27

This is it. that WHATEVER i do, i may conduct myself in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. I am His disciple and I want to be sanctified- set apart from the world. I want to love as He loved me. I want to be taken deeper and deeper in His love and word. In every action, in every word, in every thought, and mind, I pray that God may transform me by the renewing of the mind, to be a person who conducts himself in a manner worthy of the gospel.

winter break feels so good.

im just writing this post because my last post doesn't apply anymore.
God is good, I'm not.
Who is there in heaven like You?
Who among earth is Your equal?
No one.
Thank you Lord for everything.

do You really hear me when im crying?
do You really catch me when im falling?

please dont let my heart wander oh God.
I doubt You, Oh Lord, I have little faith.
Strengthen me oh God, help me not to fall away.

I am scared...
I am lonely...
I hate my life...

just...please...Lord...
give me the strength to move mountains
give me wisdom to understand why.

HELP ME.

--------------------------------------------edit
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cryin?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Who am I



Who am I?


That the Lord
of all the earth

Would care to
know my name


Would care to
feel my hurt


Not because
of who I am



But because of
What You've done


Not because of
What I've done


But because of
Who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
and You told me who I am
I am Yours



For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. -Ephesians 2:8-9

Thank You
LORD